The Morocco trip started as a great idea. With 5 days off, my second summer session a week away, and a holiday approaching, I was free. Saying yes to meeting him in Morocco was easy. Unrealized, the fact that taking off to Morocco on the spur of the moment was a dubious enterprise.
I’d been to Morocco before. I didn’t remember it being a difficult journey. A brief retrospective would have reminded me that at the time I was young, with no planning responsibilities, embarked from France, and was oblivious to details of travel, spending most of my road time reading and playing Tetris. My only excuse for consenting to this current trip was my incorrect assumption of the journey’s relative simplicity. It wasn’t until I attempted to maneuver flights, flights that didn’t have me in air or airport for 48 hours or more of those 5 precious days, that I discovered the trip wasn’t doable. Given time and cost, two and a half days on the ground simply wasn’t good enough.
I felt pressured, there is no doubt, but I wanted to go, believe me, and my effort, though not valiant, was persistent. I couldn’t make it work. I was disappointed, but that was the way of it. Some think me renitent. That is not the case. I don’t see where using logic to make personal decisions makes someone the queen of opposition. It is the illogical making of personal decisions that causes the difficulties in my world.
More surprising to me was that the majority of those I queried on this subject think that running off on a 5 day jaunt to Morocco, even at cost well above the average workers weekly take home pay, and considering the 48 hours spent in planes or ports, would have been the right thing to do. They call it “romantic”, “exhilarating”, and “what people in relationships do”. The usual response was “if you care about someone you’ll do anything, and if you care about yourself more you won’t”.
This is it then, the heart of it, the kicker, the crux and the essence. I believe you can care about someone with all your heart and still be reasonable. I understand now that logic requires taking a pass sometimes, and not just on trips to Morocco. I believe you can love and care for someone, but given time, space, and circumstance, find yourself in a position where it doesn’t float well on your life wave. It sinks, and you with it. The truth laid bare, a truth I feel some remorse over without actually knowing how to change it, and possessing no real desire to do so, is (right or wrong) I care for myself more.
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